A Ghost of a Chance

There is a spirit in our house. We can hear the sound of doors closing in the basement...someone else breathing...yes...someone else breathing. My daughter complains of it. I shut the lights out in my room one night, laid back and closed my eyes then heard someone let out a heavy sigh. I listened to hear if maybe one of the kids had come upstairs but no...they were downstairs in their rooms. The dogs were asleep. I contemplated whether or not it was something worth freaking me out and I just rolled over and went to sleep. Frankly, if the 'spirit' isn't going to hurt me...what do I care? Bethany woke up once when the TV in her room came on. I might have been miffed at the spirit waking me up. Speaking of miffed...it is official...my thyroid is on its last thread of life. I have to find a doctor to take the blood test, and put me on meds. I will worry about having the other half removed surgically until after the beginning of the year. My siblings are trying to work out a 60 year anniversary open house/party for our parents. I just told them to figure it out and let me know. With no thyroid action going on here, I am just way too tired out to even think most of the time. Troy has been quiet. I am jinxing myself here but he hasn't lectured me in a while. I am beginning to believe some of his problem is the chemical mess he made of his brain when he was on crack. He forgets, he is paranoid...and it makes him ornery...and I get the brunt of it. I am used to the paranoid/forgetfulness. My mom's side of the family has that problem...but it was not a problem with them until they were in their late 70's. Troy is only 48. I am seeing a hospice in his near future. The mental ward. Even unmarried I would make sure he was somewhere that he could be taken care of. His family would not care. And I would not let him end up as a homeless mental patient living under a bridge somewhere. And I know by the end of the work day I have a splitting headache and feel like I've been run over, then backed over by a truck. I wonder if I could teach the ghost to give me a backrub?

Mum's the Word

I love both of my kids. I am so proud of who they are as a person, in general. And, yes, I pat myself on the back for it because I took the time to be patient, listen, advise and slowly open the door and ween them off of the apron strings. I have taken criticism over the years for how I have done things with them. "my kids do this/that already...I can't believe you don't make them do this/that!" "do you still cut their food for them?" "You have to LET them grow up sometime!" You know what? I am a GOOD mom. I don't hover, I don't control...I let the rope out slowly. I know that doesn't sound right but it is kinda it. I don't have a rope on them really. All ppl are not the same. I want my kids to succeed and I am a big believer in the idea that the brain does not fully mature until 25. That does not mean that I want them to live with me until they are 25. With the anxiety issues they have had throughout their lives I could not see them going away to college and handling it. If either of them had CHOSEN to go away to college then I would have prepared them for it but neither of them was comfortable with it, yet. I think it is a good thing that they can go out into the world and then come back to a familiar comfortable place. I encourage them making their own decisions and they will ask me for my perspective on the situation. We will take time to talk through possible outcomes...goals...and then I walk away and let them decide what they want to do and how they want to get there. I do not push them in any direction...unless I can definitely see a crash up ahead. I will set out the warning lights. My daughter always takes the more cautious route. My son has had to be in a couple of crashes before he would start paying attention to the flashing caution lights. I am so proud of him though! I think about him in 7th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 11th grade...the panic attacks...his worries that he would never have a normal functioning life...his depressions...the terrible things he has been through at the hands of psychotic ppl...and now he has a 4.0 grade point average...working a part-time job...running around a wrestling show with a camera and editing pay-per-views...doing stand-up comedy at a local club about once a month...and has an amazing gf. She really is. She has anxiety issues too but she supports everything my son wants to do. Even if she doesn't like it herself (i.e...the wrestling). He thinks it is cool they can disagree about things and she says, "It's just a disagreement...we can work it out. Not worth breaking up over." He is used to the gf that disagrees with him then says, "I don't think we should be together." I kept telling him that if he was patient and had faith God would hook him up with the right girl. As for Bethany...she needs a job. One thing at a time. I am putting in for other jobs. The huge conglomerate that bought out the company that I worked for..well..let's just say I know what's coming and I knew it before I was hired. WHATever. Today...I am 53. No big. It is a wonderful day. Sunshine...perfect temperature...fall in the air...and I have an SUV full of mums waiting to be planted. Had Tim Horton pumpkin cappuccino and pumpkin nut muffin with Bethany, Amy and Amber while working out the October calendar of events to come. I also had a nice long heart-to-heart with my son last night. It is a good day. I am going to enjoy every ray of sunshine.

Inadequate

I felt a panic attack coming on...seemingly out of nowhere. I was cleaning and taking stock of what I still needed to do around the house. Then I started feeling overwhelmed..then depressed because I am just not doing enough. I could handle things around here and get things done when I was here...not working outside the house. I don't know how other ppl do it! They work and get things done around their house...they go places and do things. I feel like a plop...a failure. I get frustrated with so much. I have a bachelors degree...lots of different and various kinds of work experience. I am good at listening to people and figuring out what is needed. Yet...I can get nowhere. I know God has His timing and He is working things out for me. Patience has never been anything I've been good with. I have faith...but if I let myself think too much it all seems overwhelming to me..then I get anxious...depressed. Then I just feel like a failure. I expect a lot out of myself...and the pressure I put on myself is overwhelming. My cousin Pamela is an accountant. No college...tech high school. Worked her way up. Her first marriage was a guy who went to law school. She hung on to him and helped him through high school to overcome his drinking problem...supported him through college...then when he passed the bar and got a job, he boinked his secretary and got her pregnant. She waited a long time to get married again. The husband she has now has a decent job as a mechanic and they have a group of friends they ride motorcycles with almost every weekend. They are happy. I want happy. A real partner.