Thank you to those of you kind enough to read and give m words of encouragement/insight. I really appreciate it...I do.
I am just so exhausted.
Irony...my job. Helping others figure out how to get over the hump and keep going. I give them encouragement, pep talks, sympathy, empathy and perhaps a little laugh. I certainly wasn't there this morning when I went off to work. But there are always lots of ppl in a worse place than me.
One poor guy called in to find out what he owed on his electric acct....his wife of 31 years had died a month ago. He worked, she worked and she took care of EVERYTHING. She paid all the bills, did the banking, cleaned, did the laundry, the cooking. And now here he is, not much older than I, and has no clue what is going on or how to do it. I was able to explain to him how to get organized, and found that his wife had signed them up to an online/paperless acct. I deleted it so he could go back to thepaper bill. I had to tell him HOW to pay his bill...since we no longer have payment ctrs of our own. It took me some time, but the poor guy had no idea...
One guy called up and wanted to talk sports with me while I was setting up his new account. He sounded like rather old...his voice. But it turned out he was a year younger than I! yikes.
And yes...I need to see a doctor. A few different kind of doctors. I need a really good endocrynologist becuz of my thyroid. I need a doctor to diagnose and treat my anxiety/depression. And I wish there was something I could do about the fibromyalgia. the nerves in my arms continuously feel like I hit my funny bone in my elbow. but I don't want to take any of those pharmaceuticals they have for the problem.
I am hoping to get out and dig in the dirt after work tomorrow. The sun and nature make me feel better.
and really...what is the interest in 'Wicked Tuna'? He watches the most random stuff. altho I must admit, I have gotten invested in 'The Deadliest Catch' and 'Duck Dynasty'.
oh...and shame on me. By trying to have a conversation about our almost non-existant relationship last night, I have ruined his happiness high about the possible new job. I just couldn't let him be happy (his words). Nope...guess that was my intention. Cuz that's what I'm all about...screwing with ppl. Believe me...I have thoughts of bazillions of ways to screw with ppl but I don't do it...cuz I believe in karma.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sorting It Out
So, tonight I sat and tried to have a conversation with him about what bothers me...and if he really wants me around because he is unhappy with me.
As I figured, his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do. He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out. He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair. During the week I get it. I really do. But he spends the weekend channel surfing. Nothing EVER gets done. He says he helps with cooking. He used to. I have done a lot of cooking. I do everything else. He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday. Not sure what he is bitching about. I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones. Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner. He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair. He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends. I don't get a break.
I will admit I am not the most energetic person. I used to be more so. I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be.
He says he is just not happy with his life in general. I am part of the unhappiness.
Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am. I didn't try hard enough? I didn't try to do the right things? I don't know. I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work? Should it drain you and make you feel bad? Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are?
Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is. yes...he let me down from the beginning. I let him down.
Just WHY are we still here? He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says.
I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.
I just want to see things through with my kids. Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love. They are going to have a life. Then...I don't care anymore.
Sounds stupid...but I don't.
I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way. I guess I'm too difficult. Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that.
I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me. And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want. I feel like crying. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do. I am better at encouraging others and helping them. I need someone to help me. Encourage me. But that just doesn't happen.
And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use. and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember. I am scared. I feel nothing inside. There is no passion. If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing. I am tired. My head hurts. and my life is a pile.
I still joke with ppl. I smile. Everyone thinks like is just great with me. I am happy for my kids. I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future. I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.
I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me: 'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet' They all thought I was going to be something great. Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.
What a punch line.
You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother. I tried...but she turned it into something about her. She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids? I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems! I did something wrong!" Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault.
She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy. She had nothing to do with my decisions after that. It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom. But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention. I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also. Surprised he hasn't yet.
why bother?
As I figured, his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do. He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out. He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair. During the week I get it. I really do. But he spends the weekend channel surfing. Nothing EVER gets done. He says he helps with cooking. He used to. I have done a lot of cooking. I do everything else. He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday. Not sure what he is bitching about. I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones. Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner. He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair. He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends. I don't get a break.
I will admit I am not the most energetic person. I used to be more so. I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be.
He says he is just not happy with his life in general. I am part of the unhappiness.
Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am. I didn't try hard enough? I didn't try to do the right things? I don't know. I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work? Should it drain you and make you feel bad? Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are?
Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is. yes...he let me down from the beginning. I let him down.
Just WHY are we still here? He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says.
I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.
I just want to see things through with my kids. Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love. They are going to have a life. Then...I don't care anymore.
Sounds stupid...but I don't.
I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way. I guess I'm too difficult. Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that.
I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me. And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want. I feel like crying. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do. I am better at encouraging others and helping them. I need someone to help me. Encourage me. But that just doesn't happen.
And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use. and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember. I am scared. I feel nothing inside. There is no passion. If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing. I am tired. My head hurts. and my life is a pile.
I still joke with ppl. I smile. Everyone thinks like is just great with me. I am happy for my kids. I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future. I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.
I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me: 'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet' They all thought I was going to be something great. Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.
What a punch line.
You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother. I tried...but she turned it into something about her. She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids? I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems! I did something wrong!" Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault.
She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy. She had nothing to do with my decisions after that. It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom. But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention. I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also. Surprised he hasn't yet.
why bother?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
It is Time
It is time to use my blog to think in print...where I can visualize everything. I am at a place in my life that could mean big change.
I am tired...most of the time. I feel drained. Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...
My marriage has had ups and downs. Mostly downs. Isn't that sad? I think it is. I have hung in there. The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.
I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids. I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life. He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids. He has not used the word 'resent'. He stopped just short of it. He said everything else. I don't know how to give anymore.
I am an empty shell. I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much. I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids. My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him. He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with. My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going. She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine.
Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants. I pray, for his sake, that he gets it. I do not plan on going. It is time. It is a good place to cut the chord. It is a good time to find me and like me again.
He has gotten to a place where he does less and less. The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am. He talks to me as if I am brainless. He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help. And I am not being overly sensitive. And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am. I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.
As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why. I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life. but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.
I just know I am tired and feel hollow.
I am working on finding myself a fulltime job. Something substantial enough to support me. I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship. I will have my kids around for a while longer. TJ will not finish his schooling until next March. Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production. She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that. But that remains to be seen.
I don't know how all of this is going to go. I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own. And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it. It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations. I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give. I did more than I thought I could...and probably should. He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did. But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away. I need a long rest.
I am tired...most of the time. I feel drained. Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...
My marriage has had ups and downs. Mostly downs. Isn't that sad? I think it is. I have hung in there. The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.
I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids. I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life. He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids. He has not used the word 'resent'. He stopped just short of it. He said everything else. I don't know how to give anymore.
I am an empty shell. I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much. I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids. My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him. He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with. My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going. She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine.
Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants. I pray, for his sake, that he gets it. I do not plan on going. It is time. It is a good place to cut the chord. It is a good time to find me and like me again.
He has gotten to a place where he does less and less. The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am. He talks to me as if I am brainless. He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help. And I am not being overly sensitive. And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am. I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.
As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why. I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life. but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.
I just know I am tired and feel hollow.
I am working on finding myself a fulltime job. Something substantial enough to support me. I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship. I will have my kids around for a while longer. TJ will not finish his schooling until next March. Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production. She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that. But that remains to be seen.
I don't know how all of this is going to go. I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own. And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it. It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations. I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give. I did more than I thought I could...and probably should. He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did. But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away. I need a long rest.
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